Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
