I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
