I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
