captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
