I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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