Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
