It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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