Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
