dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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