If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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