he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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