my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
