So drunk its hurt
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
