oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
