i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
