I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
