You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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