is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
