OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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