I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I AM VODKA MAN
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
