The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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