I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
