you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
