the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
