if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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