ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
