I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
