Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I touched a dick in church today
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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