so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
