Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
