So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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