Please, let me fuck your mom
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
