that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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