I just threw up on my dentist
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
