there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
