Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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