She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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