So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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