I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
