He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
pray to the hookup gods
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
