hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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