stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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