He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
