i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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