Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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