Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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