The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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