Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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