The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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