Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the condom got lost in my hair
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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