mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
